Note: This isn't interesting. So you may wait for my food posts.
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"You've to put down the past,
give your present a chance and embrace the future."
I had a talk with my bunnies; a really deep heart-to-heart-talk. We mentioned flaws and unhappiness and fears. I am honest with them. I trust them. I probably said plenty, that was a naive move but heck, I always am. These kind bunnies accepted with grace. I admitted that I am happy with them, let's say 60% of the time? But I am.
It was a handwritten letter. Someone says I have a familiar scent. And then, I was coerced to let go of the past. My eyes reddened and my heart, thumping fast on a one-way track, willed my mind back to you.
"The past is a comfort. I anchor myself to it
so that I don't ever have to feel fear."
I still smell like you everyday. People don't know this, but I'm living with the ghost of you. You don't write letters. I wrote you many, but I never had the courage to give you one. They say we have to stop living in the past, but what if the past has you? Can they understand?
What we had is worth so much more than petty crushes. We were serious towards each other. But I left, and you let me go. Your perfume's running out and a couple of months from now, I'll discard everything. I am busy. I am busy. I am busy. If I'm busy, will that keep you in the past?
My present asks me to be fair to it. Treat it well. Stop going back to the past, it hurts you so badly. Stop being so fickle minded.
"I wonder if I'll ever forget you."
I don't ever want to leave you in the past because that means goodbye. That means we were a mistake so forget about it. That means our feelings were worthless. But we've been through things that I can't imagine myself going through again.
"You can talk to me about your problems." But I know I won't, no longer, not anymore. In the past, I'd text a person whenever I'm in trouble, feeling upset or eeyore blue. But I now know that he has another girl to care for, another person he has to already worry about. Eeyore is an emo kid, although emo is no longer the IN thing, but Eeyore is just #foreveremo lol. I never wish to trouble anyone anymore.
He mentioned scars and feelings. I don't really understand the contents but it sounds pretty sincere, like how your letter was, but I really shouldn't even compare.
Today, I really felt like quitting my job. It gives me a great sense of satisfaction. But I felt awful. I thought that people are being mean, not giving one another the due respect during conversations. I felt that a friendship I used to cherish was on the brinks of collapsing. I understood why I always have more boy friends than girls, because communication. Then I felt like a kid.
"This world isn't made of candies. THIS IS SOCIETY."
He couldn't love her because she's too childish and immature. That was when I force myself to be mature and grow up. I'll never let myself leave another person. That was the reason why the girl who wanted to give up on her committee convinced herself enough to attend the appraisal. That is also the reason why I won't let myself quit. I've to try, keep trying, try till I'm broken and sore and tired. Because people will only love me when I'm mature enough as an adult.
"There are many wolves in society.
You can't always stay the way you are."
"You can't expect people to smile at you and be nice to you. To each his own. If you're sensitive and easily hurt, then that's your problem. People will only wait for you to fall and devour your bones whole." That's my advice to myself, and maybe to another weakling out there like me, WHAT I JUST TYPED IS VERY TRUE. SO WAKE UP YOUR IDEA TOO. GROW UP.
I'm thankful to a trusty girlfriend whom I confided in when I was feeling awful and in tears. I love you, mommy.
"Be strong."
I'm 18. I'm only 18, but I'm an 18 going 19 girl. I have to continue to be strong.
Have faith. I've an event to attend this afternoon. I need my smile to be ready by then.
1.45am. Goodnight.
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