Thinking, overthinking. Overtime thinking.

I'm sorry I didn't post, AS PROMISED. Forgive me, pretty please? >: It's 1.45a.m in the morning, but I feel that I should post. Owe my readers a post since that day isn't it? 


This wacky pose came to mind when I recalled doing the exact same pose when I was, say 3 or 4, saw it in my vintage photo album, it was really, really cute!

Feeling really horrible, physically and emotionally, with a truckload of unfathomable thoughts gushing through my mind. Hence, I was afraid to inject a new post with too much sad stuffs. I've only decided to post when I'm feeling emotionally alright again. Ya, therein the delay.

I ask myself questions. What is it that I really want? Why am I always such a coward, never having the guts to face circumstances that coerce me to tackle my own fears? Am I really mature enough to handle whatever's gonna happen in the future?

Who's truly the one in my heart?

Am I even capable of loving somebody now?

Like an alcohol addiction, you feel happy consuming it, but then, the repercussions come soon after. Happiness is there, but the grief is compounded by a hundred times. You tell yourself that this time round, you'll stop taking alcohol, you'll quit this drug, but then true enough, you find yourself running back to it, because you don't have the faith to overcome this dependency.

I have many, many, many questions. Because I can't answer them. I'm so afraid and lost. All I ask for is to disappear for awhile, till I have sorted out my thoughts and know what I truly want. How long can I tolerate this? What if I can't? Do I pursue things simply for the thrill of it, like a hunter's blood-thirsty streak, or can I sustain it in the long run? If I want a long-term relationship, who's going to teach me how to love? I won't know how to.  

Have been facing a lot of pressure from my family and surroundings. There are many objections towards me liking a boy who doesn't really give a fuck about me. If I say I didn't waver, it's a lie. Sometimes, I find my heart in two places, but I know that's morally unacceptable. My decision has never changed. Exactly how many times can I take his indifference before I can't take it anymore? Am I really happy?  

I'm 18 soon. But my parents dictate my life still. What I should do, who I should like, what I have to be when I'm an adult, what kind of career I ought to have. Where's my voice? How many times do I have to lose it? Although I'm going to be a young adult soon, there are still many questions that I can't answer. I'm so lost and directionless. Maybe when I manage to find some alone time, I'll figure out what I want. 


Forever, and always. ♥ whoever who visits this space.