Philosophy of Happiness

It’s 3:20AM, Wednesday morning

Things to be due on Monday for submission: Agency audit (2% done) + MMR CA1+2 (what am I supposed to do, even?)  And here I rest, in my dining room’s couch, fresh from flipping through a gossip magazine, all washed-up and ready for bed, but here penning my thoughts down in a notebook. Usually, I’ll just type them down and make a mental note to ‘maybe blog some other time’.

5:09PM, Wednesday evening

Woke up late, there goes my Mac breakfast. I’d rose with a light smile playing across my face, no, not for any apparent reason, nor a sweet dream. It’s probably just the philosophy of happiness that I jotted down earlier. Am going to share it in this post.

I’ve been asking myself for a long, long time. What makes me happy? Why am I so rarely happy, why’s my happiness paling in comparison to others? I found a little clue to my answer, somehow.

1.     I’m trying, way too hard, to be someone

that’s not me.

I tried to make myself smile and LOOK HAPPY, day in and out, ‘cause that’s good mannerisms to me and I really don’t want to be a spoilsport/mood dampener. But that’s NOT ME. I don’t have to LOOK HAPPY to be me, I am meh meh broody face me, why should I live up to others’ expectations and be their doll?

2. I’m greedy, asking for so many more ‘friends’.

I’m socializing with people that don’t make me happy. I’m trying too hard to accept things/or to change things henceforth. Why am I doing all these? A large circle of friends doesn’t mean I’m happy, and not hanging out with them doesn’t mean I hate them.  I’m just a socially awkward bunny but look, God blessed me with way too many true friends ‘cause of the genuineness I show when I’m with them. They’re the ones who make me truly happy. I don’t need many friends, a few good ones is enough.

3.     I have too much self-hatred and an utter lack of confidence.

I lack self-confidence. I lament my looks and my talentless presence in the world. I tell myself all the time that I’m an ugly bitch with a fucking ugly fat face, stick-thin limbs, acne face and disgusting short black crop of hair. Wow, that sure is some self-hate. I’m frustrated that I’ve close to zilch ability in my command for Chinese language these days. People even laughed at me when I said I was a twice-bilingual awards recipient back in my secondary school. I AM TALENTLESS. I can’t cook/dance/sing/play piano/play trumpet/do math/do science/do anything.

I  …. RAH. Sounds pretty useless.  ヽ(´□｀。)ﾉ

But I forgot to remind myself that I ought to be grateful for what God has bestowed upon me. Even if I’m not good looking, I probably have nice inner beauty and that attracted people. AND I DO HAVE A TALENT. I can write and speak better than average people. I’VE A DREAM TO WORK IN THE ADVERTISING INDUSTRY AND HOW MANY OF YOU OUT THERE ACTUALLY HAVE A DREAM? My future husband has to live with it, or I’ll attend some culinary lessons.

4.     Feelings.

I’ve always been a child to you. Maybe that’s why I always feel so inferior. I haven’t had a clue what’s making me scoff now, your coldness or my naivety. My feelings must have given you a lot of pressure, I’m sorry. I hate how you sounded so selfish on the last phone call though, like I’m a crippled kitty you can’t wait to give away. 108 days away from you, I’ve been through a lot. They blame me for still loving you. One day, I’ll grow immune to their words.

She’s right; I can never bring myself to hurt you. When I finally thought of a future with you, you’re already gone. You said that you know me, and that you understand me. So you should’ve known that I’m a crybaby. I’d lied to myself countless of times to seem important to you, but no, you’re cold as ice. She said go back to you and try again. I won’t, and you should know that better than anybody. I’m determined to forget you. I stopped receiving updates about your life since 2 months ago, and things are finally, a little better.

I should have considered your distrust in love and your need for an independent girl. I tried to give you the love and concern you seek from your parents. I tried to be understanding, I tried to be enough, then I tried to be more. Leaving was the best decision that I’ve made for you, it might be self-assertive but time has proven me right. It’s going to take quite a while. You’ll wait, wouldn’t you? They say you’re cruel to not contact me, but I know that’s your way of showing that you care for me.

I miss you scolding me for ‘assuming’ though.

5.     Learn to forgive and forget. Less judgment.

6.     See the world with happy eyes, not tears. Always, always harbor hope.

Heading out tonight and won’t be coming home. I really love you, but it’s okay, it doesn’t matter anymore, so goodbye.

This is a post that seeks to change my perspective on life. Do good, and bunnies if you’re reading, please do what makes you happy too, from herein, not what makes them happy.

This is your life, take charge.

I may be the worst person to encourage you to smile and be happy, seeing how sad I naturally am. But you're not me, so you bunnies will be able to be happier, faster, isn't it? 

Okay, I always look awk when I'm smiling so yes, I can't smile, oh well. 
BUT THAT'S HOW YOU ROCK BUNNIES, START SMILING TODAY THOUGH IT LOOKS HORRIBLE ;)