Replacement

It's 10.50pm, and I'm updating this post from the Drafts column. I'm not as sad now, lethargic and very busy still. Things to do tonight (and into the morning) 

• Mentoring Handover slides + videos 
• To study 2 chapters for CP 
• Come up with PR Agency Questions

On a side note, 

relieve my anger towards somebody who has been rude earlier. 

No matter how busy I am, I still have to remember to shower some love for my blog, don't I? Happy reading.

"Happy thoughts attract happy people into your life." 

Everything's going fine though, my life's been survivable, 

Yet why have you, dear philosophy of happiness, not working its magic anymore?

"And if you could find something similar to replace what you've lost, why not?"

The stranger from the corner of her eyes; he looks, just like her last memory. Every single detail screams your name. He had her for a moment, howsoever brief. How can two people look so alike, and yet be so different?

We could go back in time if we could, or maybe, we won't. 

"True. Your attention for just a mere stranger wouldn't kill you 'cause girl, it kills your heart, your own fucking heart."

"You look like my ex girlfriend/boyfriend." Oh, that's cool.

After knowing each other for a while

“Hey, y'know what, I think I've fallen for you."

And that's only 'cause you're perfect to be a replacement darling.

You could replace somebody with another identical but sooner or later, you'll expect him/her to act in the same way, don the same clothes, speak in the same manner, dote on you the way your past love did.

Is this even fair?

"You aren't looking for love sweetheart, you're looking for a replacement."


Some thoughts after a chat with a friend about a tragic episode in her girlfriend's life. Nobody should ever be selfish enough to go for somebody just because he/she looks like your fucking ex. Get over spilled milk, move the fuck on. #NoteToSelf

Day 116: How do you forget a traumatic past experience? How do you erase a memory?

"Out of sight really is out of mind. And (practically speaking) out of mind really is out of memory."

Step 6: Commit, for the true solution often seems hard work and ongoing work. Firstly, it requires you to accept the event happened, which is hard enough, then forgive it and yourself and let it go. Then continue to keep a gentle awareness so that when you are aware of the memory recurring you can let it go again, until it is habit and the memory becomes weaker until it fades away.

Let's take it slow. You've been showing great progress so far, didn't you girl? 

Get busy, very busy. Go out and have fun. You can do it sweetheart. 

New Twitcon 

Looks like I'm raping my poor teddybear though t.t

Dear bunnies, 

Are you happy today, or, have you become a sad bunny too? 

Cheer up!

Pen down your thoughts, it helps you to forget things. 

Tomorrow WILL BE a happy day.

Have happy thoughts bunnies. 

Let's try to be happy tomorrow. Another attempt, all over again.

This last Tumblr photo is for you, bunnies. Isn't he cute? Xx.


Goodbye, 
and back to work. 

Didn’t blog for days on end ‘cause I was/am/is still going to be busy. Just yesterday, old ailment acted up again. Constrictions in my heart area lasted up to 5 seconds and the second time, so much worse. Can’t really explain to people what’s with me, ‘cause they’ll always be assuming that my chest/heart pains originate from

1.     “Heartache ah? Boy issue.”

2.     ARE U GOING TO DIE SOON? U GOING TO HEART ATTACK IS IT?!

Haha lol wtf. I don’t actually know what’s with me, guess it’s heartburn, and it can happen when there’s a pressurizing environment or workload. I’m saddled with work: 

• Committee Publicity Matters 

(which I realize I DO have more things to do than others right now
  T.T Y PUBLICITY Y U NO EASY)

• School projects (I prefer examinations anytime) 

• work

Don’t have a good health to boast since young and mom’s really worried that I might collapse someday, thanks to my sis who told her that “SHE MIGHT DIE IN HER SLEEP IF SHE CONTINUES WITH THIS STRESS.” Thanks T.T

Guess I’ll have to rest whenever possible and avoid late nights, which doesn’t seem very avoidable up to date. AND OH. DID I MENTION THAT MY PHILOSOPHY OF HAPPINESS IS SHOWING GOOD EFFECTS? I do feel happier these days! Little choice but to force myself to forget some things and to deliberately block these thoughts out though.

Random photos. 

Bears that take up all the space on my bed.

The largest soft toy in my house.

Even longer than the bed t.t ~

Taken outside Cathay after Madagascar movie.

Overnight studying, with no makeup on /: Received feedback that I look fine/pleasant-looking without makeup, but no, too good to be me. Can't wait for my hair to grow long again, digital curls! It's probably going to be long only when I'm nearing graduation . . .

This is just a quick summary of my boring, hectic life. Hope I’ve something more interesting or happier to write about soon. Back to work. 


P.S: Rare afternoon updates! 

Philosophy of Happiness

It’s 3:20AM, Wednesday morning

Things to be due on Monday for submission: Agency audit (2% done) + MMR CA1+2 (what am I supposed to do, even?)  And here I rest, in my dining room’s couch, fresh from flipping through a gossip magazine, all washed-up and ready for bed, but here penning my thoughts down in a notebook. Usually, I’ll just type them down and make a mental note to ‘maybe blog some other time’.

5:09PM, Wednesday evening

Woke up late, there goes my Mac breakfast. I’d rose with a light smile playing across my face, no, not for any apparent reason, nor a sweet dream. It’s probably just the philosophy of happiness that I jotted down earlier. Am going to share it in this post.

I’ve been asking myself for a long, long time. What makes me happy? Why am I so rarely happy, why’s my happiness paling in comparison to others? I found a little clue to my answer, somehow.

1.     I’m trying, way too hard, to be someone

that’s not me.

I tried to make myself smile and LOOK HAPPY, day in and out, ‘cause that’s good mannerisms to me and I really don’t want to be a spoilsport/mood dampener. But that’s NOT ME. I don’t have to LOOK HAPPY to be me, I am meh meh broody face me, why should I live up to others’ expectations and be their doll?

2. I’m greedy, asking for so many more ‘friends’.

I’m socializing with people that don’t make me happy. I’m trying too hard to accept things/or to change things henceforth. Why am I doing all these? A large circle of friends doesn’t mean I’m happy, and not hanging out with them doesn’t mean I hate them.  I’m just a socially awkward bunny but look, God blessed me with way too many true friends ‘cause of the genuineness I show when I’m with them. They’re the ones who make me truly happy. I don’t need many friends, a few good ones is enough.

3.     I have too much self-hatred and an utter lack of confidence.

I lack self-confidence. I lament my looks and my talentless presence in the world. I tell myself all the time that I’m an ugly bitch with a fucking ugly fat face, stick-thin limbs, acne face and disgusting short black crop of hair. Wow, that sure is some self-hate. I’m frustrated that I’ve close to zilch ability in my command for Chinese language these days. People even laughed at me when I said I was a twice-bilingual awards recipient back in my secondary school. I AM TALENTLESS. I can’t cook/dance/sing/play piano/play trumpet/do math/do science/do anything.

I  …. RAH. Sounds pretty useless.  ヽ(´□｀。)ﾉ

But I forgot to remind myself that I ought to be grateful for what God has bestowed upon me. Even if I’m not good looking, I probably have nice inner beauty and that attracted people. AND I DO HAVE A TALENT. I can write and speak better than average people. I’VE A DREAM TO WORK IN THE ADVERTISING INDUSTRY AND HOW MANY OF YOU OUT THERE ACTUALLY HAVE A DREAM? My future husband has to live with it, or I’ll attend some culinary lessons.

4.     Feelings.

I’ve always been a child to you. Maybe that’s why I always feel so inferior. I haven’t had a clue what’s making me scoff now, your coldness or my naivety. My feelings must have given you a lot of pressure, I’m sorry. I hate how you sounded so selfish on the last phone call though, like I’m a crippled kitty you can’t wait to give away. 108 days away from you, I’ve been through a lot. They blame me for still loving you. One day, I’ll grow immune to their words.

She’s right; I can never bring myself to hurt you. When I finally thought of a future with you, you’re already gone. You said that you know me, and that you understand me. So you should’ve known that I’m a crybaby. I’d lied to myself countless of times to seem important to you, but no, you’re cold as ice. She said go back to you and try again. I won’t, and you should know that better than anybody. I’m determined to forget you. I stopped receiving updates about your life since 2 months ago, and things are finally, a little better.

I should have considered your distrust in love and your need for an independent girl. I tried to give you the love and concern you seek from your parents. I tried to be understanding, I tried to be enough, then I tried to be more. Leaving was the best decision that I’ve made for you, it might be self-assertive but time has proven me right. It’s going to take quite a while. You’ll wait, wouldn’t you? They say you’re cruel to not contact me, but I know that’s your way of showing that you care for me.

I miss you scolding me for ‘assuming’ though.

5.     Learn to forgive and forget. Less judgment.

6.     See the world with happy eyes, not tears. Always, always harbor hope.

Heading out tonight and won’t be coming home. I really love you, but it’s okay, it doesn’t matter anymore, so goodbye.

This is a post that seeks to change my perspective on life. Do good, and bunnies if you’re reading, please do what makes you happy too, from herein, not what makes them happy.

This is your life, take charge.

I may be the worst person to encourage you to smile and be happy, seeing how sad I naturally am. But you're not me, so you bunnies will be able to be happier, faster, isn't it? 

Okay, I always look awk when I'm smiling so yes, I can't smile, oh well. 
BUT THAT'S HOW YOU ROCK BUNNIES, START SMILING TODAY THOUGH IT LOOKS HORRIBLE ;) 

Childhood Memories

I've been a very unhappy person, for the longest time I've known. You might have noticed that I removed the previous post. To readers who have read it “HEHEHE.” Why’s there a childhood post, all of a sudden, you may ask. Was in my room the other day and voila, chanced upon the kindergarten photos that mom placed on our wardrobes. My brother’s the cutest baby boy on earth. Well, he’s handsome now and girls aged 14 and below are welcome to date him.

People can't really comprehend the fact that I DO HAVE a younger brother 'cause I can't even take good care of myself, less say a younger sibling, but look I do have, and he's a red teletubby hehe

He looks like Little Po from teletubbies though! So cute *.* 

And then there’s me. OMFG DIDN’T REALIZE THAT I HAVEN’T BEEN SMILING, SINCE, YOUNG. LOL WTF. So stop saying that I’m #emoforlife in my photos ‘cause THAT’S REALLY HOW I AM. In real life and the virtual me.

There isn't much difference except that I've hidden double eyelids. Round face, check. Dao look, check. Been a broody little meh meh since young.


On a second look, I do look like I'm going to be an accomplished and successful woman someday. Wow, that look of conviction and firm stare. 

Anyway, received my letter of appointment today and yes, got the role that I’ve always longed for. Was fidgety waiting for my parents to return home with my mailbox key though. Don’t harbor greed for the roles that we receive. “The universe conspires to put forth what you seek to achieve.” I’m glad for this position and I shall strive to deliver to my best ability.

Did I mention that I’d be blogging for my club herein? :D  I’ll be taking on blogging as a real task, instead of just manning my personal one. How cool. WHAT’S COOLEST IS THE FACT THAT I AM FREE TO EXERCISE MY CREATIVITY FOR MY DESIGN CREATIONS. Yay to nobody bossing me around! 

Having said that, it’s not to say that I don’t have a heavy responsibility to shoulder. I’m nervous, and afraid too. I’ll work hard to achieve my goals and to tackle work, studies and the pressure withholding a role in the management committee.

So yes, I thank god to be given the role of Publicity Coordinator in the 12^th Management Committee and may the universe conspire with me to do good what’s assigned.

I'd like to learn to be a happy girl. First things first, I'll have to busy myself with work and then nurse a crush on somebody. The fastest way to forget someone, accident-free, is to fall in love with another. I need a name, but there's none in mind, not yet. 

Whatever doesn't kill you is gonna leave a scar

Sunday, 17^th June 2012 12:02AM

Felt the heat, didn’t you, bunnies? Have always wanted to head down for a swim. There was a sad song playing in the background, and I’m consumed. Cosmetic lenses on, it’s awkward. Naked faces are awk at their best.

She said she saw him with another girl. I know, I shouldn’t be too affected by it, but no, I just can’t. “It’s been such a long time since we last met, can you not have me knowing that you aren’t over him, not yet?”

It’s only been 104 days, darling.

“104 days is a long time, less said for a guy.”

Haven’t you moved on? Haven’t you? Don’t blame him for falling for another, even. He did tell you about his pure friends date policy, dumb.

“You haven’t met someone new since? Someone that’s befitting of the role he had once taken in your life? No?”

But, he's the only one that ever matters. 

“You don’t have any talent. You can’t cook to save your life, you’re always late, high maintenance, you want your future boyfriend to cuddle you all the time, he has to be so cute . . .” she drones on. “It’s pretty easy to find a girl to replace you any time.”

True.

After a swim. 

The faint smell of chlorine still lingers on my skin. It’s been such a long time since I last soaked in a big pool of water. 104 days might be long, but it’s all we’ve built between us. 


It's funny how somebody else can easily judge your pain. Smart girls don't fall too deeply in love, don't get too attached, they don't get hurt. 

Day 102

Thursday, 14th June


Day 102: Caught Madagascar 3 with good friends. Would've been a great movie if not for the irritating motherfucker beside me who makes lots of weird, terrible snorting noises. (Alright, he was just laughing hysterically). Idk, maybe I'm too used to watching movies with a quieter, more reserved guy. The last movie I watched was with H though, and he didn't fidget much too. Irritating guys and their juvenile antics.  


Chanced upon a shop retailing in musical instruments and silly me had to break down before it. I'm sorry I'd been such a burden, hadn't I? I tried to hate on you, but I can't. In spite of what happened between us, I can't hate you. My head throbbed for a moment there and I just had to drink. Don't worry, I only had two cans, still very much sober indeed. Felt so emotionally unstable and I wanted somebody to be there for me really badly. Was on the phone with J. Miss this boy so much and his voice takes me back to the 3 days I've first known him, such a fine young man, so unbroken, and flawless. But he mentioned ph which means more drinking and I can't recall what he was going on about but I guess that's about it. Silly little gray bunny, can't even tell him that I needed him for a while. Does partying and drinking take away the pain? If it does, maybe I should try it too. Called H but he was so occupied with his work. So there's just a poor little bunny going home after popping some mints into her mouth so she wouldn't have reeked of alcohol.


Fumbled with girlfriend's phone and dialed your number by accident. I miss you, and it hurts knowing that all I want is to have you appear before me and want me back again. But our last hug was the only perfect memory that remains unstained. No, we'll never. Put on the most natural look and managed to delude my parents into believing that I wasn't all hung up and wasted. I can't have them knowing that I'm not yet over you. Intended to publish this post last night but I was having a 5 hours casual talk with a really good friend. Thank God for his presence that helped me survive a tumultuous night.


Last night, I realize that people do judge. So yes bunnies, if you're reading, this is for you, just a sudden wild thought across my mind. Hmm, inspirations.


"In life, you can't possibly please everybody. Henceforth, fuck what they think and do what you feel is right, do what makes YOU happy."


On a side note, will be receiving Letter of Appointment on Monday/Tuesday. I wonder what I'd be receiving if I'm not selected into the Management Committee though. A letter that states: Sorry that we didn't choose you eventually, but we really do appreciate your efforts. Or will I just receive nothing at all? Thought it's a superfluous question and I left it at that. Will it make me happy if I'm chosen, or not? I don't have a clue. All I know is, this time round, unlike others, I can't afford to walk away from fear, no more.

From Bunny to Bunny.

Wednesday 13^th June 2012: 5:12 AM in the morning

Room is dark but it will be bright soon when the sun rises.

Mom came in an hour earlier to say, “You should turn in soon.”

Couldn’t sleep so I looked through close to 2,000 photos on IPhoto. People might laugh at the captions for this post but to me, it’s a post of self-discovery.

I promise to look presentable again. I've been so ugly and gloomy lately, hurt your eyes, didn't I? Caution: All the photos shown in this post are unphotoshopped. I really hope that I don't appear to be too ugly. Miss my brown hair? Read on.

Went to school for Gen Ed presentation. Bright smile even without makeup on. Hair rebonded, spot the happy pimple on the right cheek lol wtf. 

READY FOR MY 17^TH B’DAY PHOTOS?

LOL I MUST BE THE ONLY GIRL WHO HAS A CELEBRATION AND STILL LOOK LIKE SOME FUCKING SAD GAYSHIT. 

Colleague told me once that my “ACT SIBEI INNOCENT” face always works so my subordinates won’t have the heart to scold me.

BULLSHIT I’M ALWAYS SCOLDED LOL WTF AND YOU JUST DON’T SEE MY FRIENDS BULLYING ME ALL THE TIME.

YAY TO CUTE FRIENDS AND CUTE BIRTHDAY GIRL THOUGH :D 

The photo that got me a compliment yay, so I shall proudly show it on my blog. 

This was taken before I rebonded my hair for the 1^st and only time. Face IS fat but I looked so happy. 

Taken before I headed for Denise’s b’day party. The only week when my red hair stayed on. Hi Money, Bye Money -_-

With drunkard forever karhou (the fuckshit gay face on my left :p) and kor. Haven't seen him in such a long time >:

This was when my hair was slightly below chest area. Fats spilling out of my face but I was still so happy.

Before I rebonded my hair, believe it or not. Hahaha, it’s already so straight la. IGNORE MY RETARDED FACE (I've no reason for the expression -_-) But the point is, I MISS MY LONG HAIR, FUCK. 

 With le sister. 

Prom's photo! 

A LAST PHOTO TO COMMEMORATE THE LONG BROWN HAIRED GIRL.

Please don’t laugh at me when I say this,

BUT

“WHY THE FUCK DO I NOT THINK THAT I LOOK LIKE SOME CHAO AH LIAN WITH THAT HAIR!?”

I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A MENTOR AT ALL.

It's little wonder why I'm always misunderstood. 

BUT that doesn’t mean I’m not offended when people insist that I club. 

FUCK YOU WHICH EYE SEE I CLUB ALREADY CB. 

*mentally kills them 25 million times in my head*

STOP LABELLING ME LA. 

My current short black hair.

Will be keeping my hair long AND THIS TIME ROUND, I WON’T CUT IT ON IMPULSE. I wonder if I’ll dye my hair brown again, that depends on whether long black hair looks good on me. Currently, I’ve been receiving only good feedback on black hair. (I must have scared these people shitless with my ah lian hair in the past ;x)

NOTE TO SELF: PLEASE STOP BEING UGLY, PLEASE.

I WANT TO BE PRETTY.. NO, I NEED TO BE. Low self-confidence is eating me up everyday.

To Self:

You were so happy once. You may have fats all over your face, but you were happy, what happened to you darling? Why did you cut your hair short and dye it black? Didn't you adore your luscious brown locks? You were confident once, why are you cowering in your world, afraid to shame the world with your ugly pudgy face now?

You ARE beautiful, and always will be. Even if you have acne scars/25kg gain/short stick-like legs/ fat and ugly arms/thick lips one day, you’re beautiful to God, and always will be. Please be more confident in yourself.

One day, you’ll be ok. Now, take out some of your confidence and show the world how amazing you are.

To 16-year-old self:

You fell in love, so? You got hurt, what's the big deal? Now, get your act together and forget the boy who broke your heart. How then, do you move on if you're still living in the past? 

To 18-year-old self:

Take your time. One day, you’ll forget him. There will be days when you cry badly and days you can’t remember a single thing. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. 

Take a look at your photos, peek into your past memories bunnies. Remember who you were and what you want to be. Now, go along and be a stronger person.