#Day 3 of 3: About to give up on myself. doing a very bad job at recuperating, not even anywhere decent.

Recently, I’ve come up with a plausible explanation as to why POLYTECHNIC LIFE TRIUMPHS A JC DECISION: It’s clichéd but yes, you meet MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE and you have to work and adapt to varying working and leadership styles. You’ll be thinking, “Fuck la, she’s such a bitch/he’s such a manhoe. I don’t even want to work with them.” BUT THEN YOU’RE FORCED TO. You want the end results, you have absolutely NO CHOICE. 

1.You give up, you lose out.

2. If you don’t, you get so exasperated you want to end your life. (Lol, exaggerated)

I’m saying this because in these 8-9 months that I have been a Polytechnic student, I’ve experienced many different people in cheerleading, mentoring and in class. Now that I’m in sub committee and have more group works to tackle in school, I’d realize that not everybody is easy to work with. A recent episode in mentoring makes me realize that this journey is not going to be easy anymore, it’s not. I love all of them still but when a group has so many leaders with so many voices and perspectives, I can’t expect everybody to adopt a diplomatic and compromising leadership style. Some people DEMAND things to be done and they use extreme ways to get their message across. I’m glad I voiced out my honest opinion to them and I hope things will get better )’:

WATCH THIS!!!

Came across this video on Facebook. That’s how simple love should be. It's actually a Racial Harmony Video la hahaha. (Reminds me of those primary school crushing days)

Ok, shall reveal this really embarrassing and awkward thing that I did back when I was a primary two girl! As a small tiny little girl, I secretly slipped a love letter into this small tiny little boy’s bag. LOL HAHA. And I even poked him afterwards with my short stick-like little hand and whispered, “You must open your bag later ok?” Then I blushed and ran away. HAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK. Maybe that’s the reason why I like this video huh! The small boy like me siah! LOL AT THE FACE.


Oh ya, in the end, nothing came out of it. (If not he would be my first boyfriend at 8 years old huh :p) It's ambiguous: He likes me, and I like him. But we were so young, we have no idea how to stead :> Sometimes, I do see him around and I think to myself if he ever remembers those days. Haha so cute!

Ok yes, bottom-line: Love should always be this simple.

I need a vacation, or a quick getaway. Not all these responsibilities in my life. 

I need a b r e a k . It comes to the point that when people need my time, and I’ll be like: Wait ah, let me check my schedule! )’: It’s only been the last semester of year one and I’m already so busy. That’s why I’m so, so hesitant to sign up for Frontliners in spite of my obvious passion.

I’m blessed with amazing people in my life who make me smile. Maybe they don’t even know what I’m going through, but their silly antics and nonsensical nonsense can always cheer me up and make me forget the pain for a short while. Even if it was for a fleeting moment, it doesn’t hurt as much around them. I cherish this friendship so much; I hope nothing changes amongst us.

I’ll post on my new phone in the next post! This post’s too lengthy. >:

It's already Day 4 when I finished this post. Please continue to give me the faith to get through it for the rest of the day. 

Day 1 of 1: Moving On Stage: 

Declared, an utter flop

It just h u r t s like f u c k. But I’ve felt worse. Probably it’s been only day 1, and I’ve not entirely taken stock of the situation: This time round girl, you’re leaving, and you’re not seeing him again, never. Moving on isn’t easy y’know. Nobody ever says it’s easy to get past tough days, but they say it’s worth it, in the end. I feel like a bitch, I mean of all days why must you do it now?!? Maybe I'm selfish, but I can't stand another goodbye. So afraid that I would hurt him, so afraid that I would hurt any hapless victim. But … I’m the only one hurt.

Ahhhhhhh fuck it. J u s t m o v e o n . I don't believe it's so hard. 

 I want to watch the vow, so bad. 

Somebody ... else?  

That’s what I’d say, but now, it doesn’t really matter anymore. It doesn’t. 

Dolls are plastic.

Dolls are meant to be broken. They are plastic; desired and admired, then abandoned. Haven’t you ever broken a doll? Did you try tearing it apart, only to see that there’s nothing beneath that flashy exterior, so hollow and empty, so unattainable. Such grieve and agony, when all your wildest dreams disintegrate right before your very eyes. Then would you realize, that this time around, yet again, this doll is yet to be.

I deserve it. Each and every time people enter my life, linger for a while, decide that it’d be fine to hurt me, and then they leave, with no traces left behind. I’ve been too nice to people, so much so that when they hurt me, they’ll just be thinking: "It’s alright, time will heal her wounds" or "She’s used to this pain, let her be."

It’s unlike my character, but I put down my pride to salvage a friendship that I really cherish because I don’t want an incident to destroy the friendship that we have built over the years. But what do I get in return for trampling on my own self-esteem: only more anguish, disregard and disappointment. I have no choice but to stop trying. It’s pointless. Her actions have become a wedge in me and I finally come to terms with the fact that the value of this friendship no longer exists. How harsh and injurious can one’s deeds be to utterly disappoint another person, somebody who has trusted in you? Friends aren’t supposed to be likewise. We aren’t friends. It’s a pity but I have to move on.

I’ve decided. I’m tired of all these heartbreaks, time and again. I’ve decided to stop believing in love. From herein, I’ll stop chasing after my supposed grand and noble love. I can’t take another heartbreak; I can’t fight for another guy who would sooner or later wind up breaking my heart. One more time and the impact would be devastating. I’m too fragile already. Frankly speaking, be it the devotion of genuine feelings or merely a little crush, my heart’s a lacerated battlefield. I’ve decided to give other guys a try, and learn to fall for them, in spite of. Things would work out, somehow. I’m disintegrating. The next time somebody abandons me, I’m going to call the cops for the discarding of unauthorized human properties.

I keep cautioning myself against being so nice and accommodating to people, but I’d just give in, time and again. I really wonder how I could fake a smile and be so bubbly and cheery all the time when deep inside, I’m just full of scars and wounds. It’s so true; the saddest person has the brightest smile. Probably some people can make me forget how broken I am, for a short while.

I won’t deny that I take pills to assist my insomnia and I drink, to wish these pains away. But I have to stop impairing my body. I have to stop hurting myself. I’m not the one at fault. But why do I have to pay for their misdemeanors? The answer struck me: Of course you have to, who let them into your life in the first place! Who was the one who fought for them to stay? It’s you, you stupid brainless whore.

Hurt people hurt other people. I’ve been hurt WAY TOO MANY TIMES I know how it feels. And yes, I’ve been abandoned too. Guys just dissed me after having fun playing around with my heart. They’re right, for each failed friendship and love, I’d cry and get over it, some I took months, some years. I’ll be alright again, but the scars piled atop of one another, in hidden places that will bring nightmares.

Karma hurts like a fucking bitch. I’ve broken hearts before; each time round I’m devoured by guilt. People label me a player; I know I’m not. I’m just scarred, they wouldn’t know. They know of my wounds, but they only want to possess me, how long can the admirations by exterior last?

I hate being abandoned, I really, really hate it. I'm so afraid of being abandoned, I try my best to be worthy of being loved. But every single time, people walk out of my life and brush me aside.

I’m barely 18; I know that as I age, there will be more of such people in my life. They’d come and go, and disappoint me. If it’s innate characteristic, then I can’t help but be a holy sacrifice in their realistic game. But I’ll be wiser; I’ll heal. And please don’t let me break, at least first let me stitch up these wounds.

Not all girls are bitches. Not all girls are two-faced, sometimes when you’re nice to people, you just want to be accepted. You’re genuinely trying to be nice. But you can’t have the best of both worlds. You’re either an attention-seeking slutwhorebitch, a nobody or a fake.

Today, my friends were ‘bitching’ about this girl, and I actually said, “Don’t do that, we’re friends.” And guess what I got in reply, “But don’t you know when you’re not around, she actually bitched about you?” Haha. I’ve successfully morphed myself into such an utter joke. There I was trying to make things amicable, but I was already backstabbed countless times behind my back. Tell me why, it doesn’t pay to be nice. Those fairytale sagas only happen in childhood fantasy.

I’m so sick and tired of being hurt. The next time somebody wants to hurt me, I’d suggest that he/she shows some empathy and take a queue number. This is the real me: Fragile, Vulnerable, Broken. There's nothing more beneath that smile. I'd wish that somebody will hold me close and guard me against these fears. I'm just hiding behind my cowardice, every single day. 

I’ll work hard, day by day, to take this pain away. 

Don't be mistaken, I'd very much prefer to be a happy person. But it's just been the second week of 2012, second week of the year in which I turn 18, and a lot of things have been inflicting my life. I have grown a lot from these pain. I've to pick myself up again, can't bear to let people who love me worry over my current emotional state. 

♥

Thinking, overthinking. Overtime thinking.

I'm sorry I didn't post, AS PROMISED. Forgive me, pretty please? >: It's 1.45a.m in the morning, but I feel that I should post. Owe my readers a post since that day isn't it? 


This wacky pose came to mind when I recalled doing the exact same pose when I was, say 3 or 4, saw it in my vintage photo album, it was really, really cute!

Feeling really horrible, physically and emotionally, with a truckload of unfathomable thoughts gushing through my mind. Hence, I was afraid to inject a new post with too much sad stuffs. I've only decided to post when I'm feeling emotionally alright again. Ya, therein the delay.

I ask myself questions. What is it that I really want? Why am I always such a coward, never having the guts to face circumstances that coerce me to tackle my own fears? Am I really mature enough to handle whatever's gonna happen in the future?

Who's truly the one in my heart?

Am I even capable of loving somebody now?

Like an alcohol addiction, you feel happy consuming it, but then, the repercussions come soon after. Happiness is there, but the grief is compounded by a hundred times. You tell yourself that this time round, you'll stop taking alcohol, you'll quit this drug, but then true enough, you find yourself running back to it, because you don't have the faith to overcome this dependency.

I have many, many, many questions. Because I can't answer them. I'm so afraid and lost. All I ask for is to disappear for awhile, till I have sorted out my thoughts and know what I truly want. How long can I tolerate this? What if I can't? Do I pursue things simply for the thrill of it, like a hunter's blood-thirsty streak, or can I sustain it in the long run? If I want a long-term relationship, who's going to teach me how to love? I won't know how to.  

Have been facing a lot of pressure from my family and surroundings. There are many objections towards me liking a boy who doesn't really give a fuck about me. If I say I didn't waver, it's a lie. Sometimes, I find my heart in two places, but I know that's morally unacceptable. My decision has never changed. Exactly how many times can I take his indifference before I can't take it anymore? Am I really happy?  

I'm 18 soon. But my parents dictate my life still. What I should do, who I should like, what I have to be when I'm an adult, what kind of career I ought to have. Where's my voice? How many times do I have to lose it? Although I'm going to be a young adult soon, there are still many questions that I can't answer. I'm so lost and directionless. Maybe when I manage to find some alone time, I'll figure out what I want. 


Forever, and always. ♥ whoever who visits this space.

#POSSIBLEWITHSP SP DMC OPEN HOUSE 2012

Before I begin on a proper blog post tomorrow, I’d like to first make a special advert to aspiring media students that SP DMC (Diploma in Media and Communication)’s Open House officially commences from the 

5^th-7^th of January this year! 

So for O/N Level Grads, (Congratulations! You SURVIVEDDDDDDDDD), please drop by and take a look at SP DMC Booth at the School of Communication, Arts and Social Sciences (CASS) Building! You lucky beyotches, CASS has newly introduced ‘The Agency’ this year and the new batch of year ones will be able to use this Agency for a real life experience of the media industry! 

As a DMC student, I have this fervent gush of pride and passion for my course, because it’s AMAZING like this. If you want a broad-based course that educates you on advertising, radio, new media, journalism and even business, join us today! :’)

Visit the website for more details!  
http://www.sp.edu.sg/wps/portal/vp-spws/schcass.cse.dip.dipinmediaandcommunications

And yes, this is the state-of-the-art agency I’ve been talking about!

http://www.sp.edu.sg/wps/portal/vp-spws/schcass.abtus.fac?WCM_GLOBAL_CONTEXT=

Make SP DMC your choice today, and trust me, you're already one step closer from materializing your dreams! ;)

Had alcohol in my system and was feeling really nauseous till I edited this post a while ago. Arrived home only this morning after spending last night at Ngee Ann City's RADIO'S ROCKIN' COUNTDOWN! event. 

ANYWAY, HAPPY 2012! It's the 1st day of 2012, and I'm leaving a sweet lil' blog post to everybody!

Alright, let’s post sequentially. I went for SP BP Mentoring Xmas/New Year Gathering. It wasn’t…really fun lol! So to spice things up a little, managed to entertain my fellow mentors with a kite, Frisbee and a couple of bubble blowing thing. That awkward moment when I was so excited and I said, “Quick, let’s go blow everybody!”

Received a lego notebook during the gift exchange! (As usual, I’d ALWAYS get notebooks! I HAVE TONS ALREADY.) But no complaints, since the notebook is really, really cute. To add on to that, I’m a person who HAS TO FOLLOW SCHEDULES. In a sense, disorganization messes up my life’s orientation and I can’t get a single thing done. Pretty bad huh.

Afterwards, we went to Lau Pa Sat for dinner. Went drinking with Kelly and ShanShan.

I know I doodled the heart a little gross ah!

NANA! The lucky girl who got my gift hahaha.

-       

That's what happens when you pour buckets of water down your senior's head >:

Why Peiyong like seeing good show ah! Lol.

Anyway, I’d apologize for the abruptness but my girlfriends recently posted photos of the past me on facebook and I’m surprisingly not disturbed by the ugly photos, but very entertained by this new discovery hahaha. So I’m here to share with you one of them!

If you’re interested, you can actually view my facebook photos and laugh at them,

thinking to yourself: 

HAHAHA WHAT AN UGLY BITCH. I’M PRETTIER THAN HER!!!

BUT EH FUCK, YOU 13 YEAR OLD VERY CHIO IS IT!@#$%^&*

Kay la, I’m not so mean. ;) HAHA. I think it's really amusing that was my favorite pose back when I was 13. 

ANYWAY, I WAS REALLY ANNOYED YESTERDAY THAT  I COULDN’T SEND OUT A SINGLE TEXT TO THE 175 PEOPLE.

_l_  Cheebbbbbbbbbs.  Nokia sucks. But I’m still getting Nokia Lumia 710 for my new year’s gift. Everybody’s like asking me when they know this, “Are you a Nokia fan?”

“ARE YOU A NOKIA FAN?”

No fuck, I’m not. Damn it. The latest model just looks chio. I have an evident distaste for the brand, but not targeted at that particular model.

Can you spot which eye is makeup-free? 

Anyway, how was New Year’s Countdown for you guys? Mine wasn’t too bad, okay; I don’t know how to go about describing it. It was really, really good. And that brings me to another point; it’s consequential whom you actually spend your New Year/ Any Important Festival with. I didn’t spend it with my boyfriend, don’t be mistaken, but I did count down with a very, very, very special guy.

Had a couple of drinks and I was condemned for singing my own praises about my alcohol tolerance when one Carlsberg and vodka could easily knock me out. 

BUT NO, THAT ISN’T THE TRUTH OKAY! I’m pretty affirmative that’s because I drank a bottle the night before (please refer to text further above) SO I CAN STILL DRINK. Hahaha, whatever I know you guys still think that I’m bullshitting. IDGAF LOL.

School’s reopening in 2 days time!!!

I’LL BE OFFICIALLY 18 IN 3 MONTHS 27 DAYS. 

18 PLEASE COME SOON :')

Chosen Brian Jr. and Niko McKnight's “Marry Your Daughter” as the music video for this post because it’s such a sweet and romantic song. It’s a lovely piece that should be recommended if you have any relatives or close kin that are tying the knot in 2012. Hmm. Unquestionably a lovely song that I’ve put on replay time and again.

It’s ONE DAY away from THE FINAL DAY OF 2011!!!

Do you have any plans for “Countdown 2012” yet? If not, time to start cracking your skulls apart, and wrestle with the ideas. For me, I’d probably be lounging in town and basking in the festive mood. What’s not to like about 2012? Well, that’s if you’re turning 18 like SOMEBODY HERE! To tell the truth, simply the idea of my 18^th Birthday excites me. 

Ok, and it’s really just because of the booze and the partying.

I’ll be blogging about hair in this post. Why hair? It mightn’t have been very obvious (wait till I unearth more condemning curly hair photos) but I had my hair done. Hmm, wait I ought to rephrase that. It sounds like I had a wig up my scalp or something haha. I’d my hair rebonded. Honestly, I was unreceptive to the idea of straightening my hair back when I was 13 and girls around me have rebonded hair. With no offense intended, I personally find it distasteful and unappealing. It’s like: ‘Everybody on the streets have such long and unusually straight hair, MINE’D BETTER BE UNIQUE’. That sort of thinking y’know?

Was contemplating between digital perm and rebonding in recent months and the thought of doing dolly curls seems too risky for virgin hair, so I went for something safer.

Some photos for easy referencing below:

BEFORE REBONDING

Ok, bear with all the uglier past photos of me with unkempt hair )': 
BUT I WAS TRYING TO SHOW THE DISPARITY SO..WHATEVER :P

AFTER

SO FOR YOU GUYS/GIRLS OUT THERE WHO SAY "There's no difference whether you rebonded or not what!" 

NOW I HAVE PROVEN YOU WRONG. LOL

Anyhow, don’t be mistaken. There are still TONS OF GIRLS WITH REBONDED HAIR on the streets. So to make yourself avoid the nagging thought that ‘Aiya, I’m just another face in the crowd’, just mindfuck yourself with this mentality:

“It’s okay, 

my rebonded hair looks way nicer than that bitch next to me.”

LOL HAHA. That’s not a bad idea right!!! If you’re really going to be so inconsolable about being ‘common’, well probably a feasible thought :p It depends on the face shape though, really. And I think something to do with soft and hard rebonding, maybe?

Guess what, I’ve already prepared the message that I’m going to send out on 1^st January 2012 00:00! So don’t be touched if you’re amongst the 175 people in my contact list that I’m going to send to. IT’S NOT THAT I’M A KIASU SINGAPOREAN. I’ll be out that day and I don’t want to be half sober and typing “Hey you bootylicious babes, Happy New Year. Want some booze?” You know what I mean? To add on, my text has been well thought-out (short and sweet) so, YES JUST WAIT FOR IT.

Oops, been A LITTLE OCCUPIED so the space was stagnant for awhile. Shall not keep my viewers waiting too long the next time round. Will be back with a greater, more amazing post! Love you all so much. 

Mentoring Xmas cum New Year Gathering later! BYE.

(RUNNING MAN EPISODE 74 NOW. FINALLY POSTED FINISH :')

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