I can't tweet about these, I can't tell anybody too. The only way I can do is write them out, and try to save myself a little.
Mommy came into my room earlier, and she asked what's wrong with you, you haven't been talking, you are not happy anymore, did something happened these couple of days? And I lost it, I was on the verge of tears. After all, she's the most important person to me on earth, and I'd wanted nothing less than her worrying over me.
"I'm fine." Are you cold? Are you tired? Is it because you've been spending too much time in school?
I went to the bathroom and cried. Everybody's worried for me, they tried to make me open up, they approached me, they fought hard for my smile. They don't know that I'm living for them.
It hurts like fuck. He fucking played me out. I wish he didn't lay those hands on me, those filthy hands that violated other girls. I wish he never come close to me again. I wish I never have to see him again.
Everyday, I force myself to wake up to living hell. And go to school. That's the worst part. I know that there are people who need me. I know they will be worried if I ever cry infront of them. So I keep pretending. I avoided whenever I can, I smiled and I did stupid things, I cracked lousy jokes like I always do just so that they feel more comfortable knowing that the chirpy and lively girl is still there.
Do you know how hard it is for me to wake up these days and convince myself that I can make it? I can't.
She has been talking to me for the past two nights, it surprises me who i can actually turn to in time of pain. She told me he's just lonely, he just wants to feed on attention, he never did love you, or her, or anyone else. They will get karma for hurting you. But i know they won't. I don't know if there's really karma. Why am i always the one hurt?
She said he's worried about you. Everyone is. The stronger your front, the more worried they are. Tell them what's hurting you, tell them what they did to you. But how can I, where do I begin from?
He wouldn't let me disappear, and I know I will, I have to stop living for others.
It hurts me that he's worried, and he tried to make me speak up, but I lied to him. They wouldn't understand. They aren't the ones waking everyday to an ache in their chest, and having to believe that everything will be fine. It's hell, it's like walking on flames and putting on a smile.
It hurts so bad.
I don't ever want to come back.
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