日记簿 (II)

我一直说，自己其实有多在乎你，有多喜欢你。

我说我们之间只要用时间，就能够证明我的感情是认真的。

我和你说过，他对我而言，已经没有任何意义了。

会难过，会受伤，不是因为我还在乎他，而是因为，

伤害我的那一个人，是我用生命去信任的朋友。

现实生活不是偶像剧，不会因为我还爱你，就会有一个完美的 happy ending.

知道你现在过得很好，我很为你高兴。

这几天难过得想要联络你，但还是努力克制了。

我想要放下过去，从新开始。

被爱情所伤，被友情所伤，我只剩下亲情可以信任了。

我想要试着去喜欢上别人，离开你的这段日子，我的心，一直有一道锁。

你一定也要幸福，一定要。

以后如果碰巧在街上遇见的时候，一定要带着微笑的。

我会好好的过，我会变得更坚强。

我会学会不再轻易掉泪，别再傻傻地相信别人的谎言。

我会放下你，放弃我们的过去，快乐起来。

很晚了，该睡了。

Day 4

Day 4

There are angels and demons in my head. The demons say that I don’t deserve the treatment you dealt me. “Hurt her the way she has hurt you.”

The angels told me to forgive you, to let go of this pain holding me down.

I cried again. I’m alive, but I’m far dead and gone.

In this corporate world, there isn’t room for escape. People can’t condone the fact that you’ve decided to hide from your fears. Little do you know they follow to you to your grave.

It’s time for me to return to reality.

These few days, I’ve discovered a place far away from the hustle and bustle of city life, where I can stay in peace at, and know that nobody will come here to hurt me. I hope the boy from those days is feeling alright, no matter what his problems are. I have to be the girl with a dream again.

Today, I went back to school again.

People didn't give me weird stares, I don't know if they're really trying to be sympathetic. I've to assume the role of a group leader tomorrow for camp. I haven't had a chance at it and honestly, I'm afraid. I don't want my grief to infect them. I want them to be happy bunnies. In a world away from my own, everybody should live happily.

Finally confided in mommy about the incident, not all, but at least, I finally found the courage to.  I spent this day after lessons at home with her, and avoided an important meeting.  I've decided to return to reality, but please, I need more time.  My faith is crumbling and I can't handle this pain anymore. 

One day, she will receive due retribution for what she has done to me. 

These are some quotations that I live by. If you're reading, I hope it'll be of use to you someday too. 

I haven't died of yet. 

I've become stronger, so much stronger. 

Some days, I may cry. Some days, I may laugh.

Some days, I may blame the world for bringing me down. 

But I'll survive. 

I've a dream. I still have hope in my life.

I still have people I can't let down. 

I'm stronger than ever now. 

xoxo

Day 3

Everybody’s only been hearing your side of the story.

“Oh hey look, she made me do this y’know. She told me to go hurt him but you see, I can’t handle my emotions and my pretty face.”

I know what your ex boyfriend says about me, that I deserve it, for putting you to the task.

Well, guess what bitch, I’ve a blog, and you don’t. So yes, let me present

MY SIDE OF THE STORY

Dear slut,

True. I trusted you, so I told you, why don’t you go hurt the guy who hurt me so badly in the past? He ought to learn his lesson. I admit I don’t have good intentions to start with; I wanted to get back at him. I DESERVE IT.

But I trusted you. I didn’t ask a dog or a cat or Tom or Dick to fucking do it for me. I ASKED YOU. I treated you as my best friend, the only best friend that I’ve had for these 6 years. Now, before you start to think that I’m here to win sympathy votes, well I’m sorry, I don’t fucking put myself out to fuck guys and have a loose body like you do, so I can’t do it. I can’t even fucking flirt in the first place, that’s what you do best, isn’t it?

I’m not putting your name upfront because I still care for your last dignity as a person, not a friend. But your photos are all over my facebook/twitter/blog anyway, and people can find out all about you for all I care. I want them to know what kind of ‘BEST FRIEND’ you really are.

YOU ARE THE FUCKING SLUT WHO TOLD ME YOU’RE GOING TO RECONCILIATE WITH YOUR EX BOYFRIEND AFTER HIS STUDIES ARE STABLIZED BECAUSE WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING NOW IS FOR HIS SAKE. YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU ONLY FUCKING LOVE HIM.

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME HE LIED TO YOU THE WAY HE LIED TO ME. THAT HE SAID THINGS HE DIDN’T DO DURING THE DATE AND YOU KNOW HE’S A FUCKING JERK.

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WENT: “AW, HE’S SO BORING. I ONLY TREAT HIM AS A FRIEND LAH. C AND ME ARE IMPOSSIBLE. I’M JUST DOING IT FOR YOUR SAKE. HE SAT OPPOSITE ME AND WE HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.”

YOU ARE THE FUCKING CB WHORE WHO WENT TO YOUR EX BOYFRIEND’S HOUSE AFTER WE WENT OUT, FUCKING KISSED HIM AND SAID YOU DIDN’T ENJOY IT. IN THE FIRST PLACE, WHY DO YOU EVEN WANT TO CHEAPEN YOURSELF AND DO SUCH THINGS?!

YOU DIDN’T ONLY TELL ME DIFFERENT THINGS, YOU TOLD DIFFERENT FRIENDS DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE WAGGER STORY.

You know what I’d like to tell you bitch? KEEP LYING. Flaunt your assets in revealing clothes, put on your fucking cb makeup and do what you do best, ACT INNOCENT, that’s how you win all the guys to your side.

You know perfectly well how he wounded me in the past and how much I hate him now. TRUE. I MADE YOU DO IT, BUT WHY DO YOU GO OUT THERE AND BETRAY MY TRUST? WHY DID YOU FUCKING BACKSTAB ME WHEN YOU KNOW I’M STILL WOUNDED, WHY DID YOU FUCKING RUIN A 6 YEARS FRIENDSHIP OVER A GUY THAT FUCKING HURT YOUR BEST FRIEND?!

Dear slut, you’ve been feeding me with LIES, NOTHING BUT LIES FOR FUCKING MONTHS.

It’s sad to lose a best friend, but after I’ve collated all the information about you, you’ve NEVER BEEN A FRIEND TO START WITH. Your only intention from the day you met me is to fucking hurt me in the face one day.

You always say that you don’t think you’re prettier than me and that all the guys will flock to me. You know what, that was a good ploy. You knew since day one that I’m unable to cheapen myself and act innocent the way you can. You knew since day one that I’m going to be hurt by you one day.

After all that I’ve said and done, don’t worry, I won’t hurt you back the way you hurt me.

"Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord." (Romans 12:19 NIV)

I won’t hurt you, because God will. I won’t exact revenge on you, because God will. You’ll receive retribution for all that you’ve done to me. I’ll learn to forgive you each and every day, but I’ll never forget this lesson. You’re the reason why I stop learning to trust people.

Who was the one who brought you out to drink because you were so fucking sad, took care of you and cabbed you home only to get a fucking lecture by your mother and ex? Who was the one who taught you to read Jodi Picoult’s novels and gave you assistance for your O Level’s English? Who was the one who gave you advice over your fucked up relationship? Who was the one who taught you how to makeup/dress/change? Who was the one who taught you how to resolve your class conflicts? Who was the one who fucking trusted that YOU’RE FUCKING PURE when you snucked to a room full of guys in the middle of the night? Who was the one who stood up for you, from the start to the end of the friendship, telling everybody that you’re really as naïve as you seem?

Who was the one who got hurt in the end?

In the past, I always gave in to you. I BECAME YOUR TOY BECAUSE YOU WERE ‘NICE’ TO ME. When I needed you, you were there. No matter which guy broke my heart/money/family issues, you’ll always be there for me. Were you doing it all along just for the final blow?

HIM AND ME ARE IN THE PAST. TRUE. That’s your best defense isn’t it?

BUT WHO GAVE YOU THE FUCKING RIGHTS TO BETRAY ME, TO BACKSTAB ME, TO GO BACK ON YOUR PROMISE.

WHO GAVE YOU THE FUCKING RIGHTS TO HURT YOUR OWN FUCKING BEST FRIEND

I asked you to extract the knife that hurt me. You took it out, cut a hole through my back and stab it back in, a million times harder. Don’t understand? Visualize it.

I’ll not impair my body anymore. In fact, I’m going to wait and see how God deals with you. It mightn’t be now, it might even be 5 or 10 years down the road, but we’ll wait and see. I recall all our memories as best friends and I can’t remember when everything starts to go wrong. They tell me not to feel sad over someone like you who doesn’t even give a fuck about my feelings, that from the moment you chose him, you’ve already given up on this friendship. I’d have forgiven you and taken it as a moment of folly few days back. But you didn’t come to me with an apology, YOU WERE HAPPILY IN LOVE, WITH THE GUY THAT WOUNDED ME. I can never bring myself to see past your deeds anymore, you’re no longer the friend I used to know.

I’m not only angry; I’m fucking hurt for all that you’ve done to me. I want you to pay for what you’ve done to me, every single fucking wound that you inflicted on me; I want you to receive it back, double the pain.

Oh, in the meantime, keep acting innocent. I’ll play the evil witch if you want me to ;) I’ll watch and see how happy you can be.

You are going to remember my face every time you kiss him in the future, remember that you put your ‘best friend’ through hell. Every time he touches you, you’ll be reminded of how you make me attempt to end this life. You’ll suffer a fate worse than living. 

Day 2

“I stepped onto the streets today, people weren’t moving, you aren’t even supposed to. Red lights shone in my face, the cars were whizzing past, but I did. With the stereo headphones in place, I took a chance and watched my life fade to nothingness before my presence. They stared in surprise, certain that this life would be over in an instant.

“I stepped onto the streets today, people weren’t moving, you aren’t even supposed to. Red lights shone in my face, the cars were whizzing past, but I did. With the stereo headphones in place, I took a chance and watched my life fade to nothingness before my presence. They stared in surprise, certain that this life would be over in an instant.

“Bump into me, please.”

I didn’t think of my family. All I ever wanted is to be dead and ridden of this pain that’s been haunting me for years. Sister’s friend committed suicide last night. He jumped to his death and before I left the house, she told me not to do anything silly, no matter how hurt I am.

But I did. I went ahead and wished for death.

This place is humongous and empty. It’s so quiet and still and stifling. The boy that I met from yesterday sat before me again. It’s starting to feel familiar, this lonely ache. I’ve started to eat alone, head home alone and go to bed, alone. It has become a routine: Wake up, feed myself medicine and caffeine, grab lunch near here, stay for hours, and head home.

I’m only 18, but there’s just so much pain I can handle from this life. I tore down my own mask. I think about mommy, and how I’ve always been her pride and joy since birth. The daughter who does well in school, has good track records for her co-curricular activities, the girl that shone. But I’ve stopped attending classes, I’m out here all alone, I can no longer do her proud, because I’ve become the daughter she never thought she’d have.

Forgive me for I’ve sinned, God. For all that I’ve feared, I’ve become suicidal.

I hope you feel happy for all that you've done. I'll wait to see how you're going to fall after hurting me this badly.

Disappearance: Day 1

Day 1 Of 6: Alone.

姐姐说得对，我这么笨，怎么会有人不伤害我？ 

Cried for such a long, long time last night after ending the friendship with her. 

I've decided to stop answering calls and messages. 

I don't want anybody to know my whereabouts. 

I've shut myself off from all social networking sites. 

I want to die, but I have to live.  

My mom, my sis, my brother, and maybe even my dad, my aunt and my close friends. 

What will happen to them when I'm gone? 

I can feel the tears coming, I should stop writing. 

And if my readers happen to chance upon these 6 posts, don't worry. 

I won't do silly things. 

Between friendship and love, you chose love, sweetie. 

You chose the guy who hurt me so badly. 

The flesh that was torn apart has been bleeding for 128 days. 

You know it better than anyone else, and that's what scares me the most. 

You came along, knew every single bit of my secrets and fears, 

yanked at my pain and left me a bloody mess. 

To you who have decided to hurt me so badly, thank you. 

I hope you've made the right decision. 

You didn't think before hurting me, now you did it. You did it so well. 

They warned me about you, but till the end I trusted that you're genuinely naive and innocent. 

怎么会这么笨。

I should go home now. 

Mom will be worried. 

现实生活中，因为太坚强，公主变成了巫婆。

巫婆落泪了，但是没人看得见。

巫婆永远都是错的。巫婆活该被伤害。

所以公主和王子们才会努力地伤害巫婆。

You can kneel before me now, but I'll let you know, 

I'll hate you to my grave. And you've my word for it. 

You're so good at acting innocent and winning sympathy votes.

I'm sorry. I can't act like somebody I'm not. 

One day, I hope somebody will hurt you the way you hurt me. 

xoxo

It's been awhile since I last blogged, and if you've been reading, please do understand that I've become so busy with Year 2 commitments. Terrible things happened lately, and if we've to count that in, yes, definitely happy things too. 

• I've to take large dosages of skin medicine on a daily basis (for months) to cure. No toner/moisturizer/facial/bbcream/compact powder. Just doctor's cleanser. Checkup in 2 weeks time again.

• Lowest point of self-esteem in my 18 years of life. I've decided to give myself 6 months: For my hair to grow long again and for my complexion to heal. It's ok, in time to come, I'd be fine again.

• An impacting blow on my passion for Advertising and the fact that the friends I hang out with everyday may not be so true to me after all. Weekdays ended on a relatively good note once again, thanks to my committee bunnies, who are always there to give me moral support and guidance. 

Promoted to 12th Management Committee's Publicity Coordinator today and it's going fine. Caught a movie with my bunnies and guys, you really have to catch the Amazing Spiderman. It's the best movie that I've watched this year (thus far), you won't regret your choice, really. 

Memories came back, so much of them, all at a go. That's when I realize that you can actually be with others, but the past still returns to haunt you. I've always wanted memory loss and 5 months away from you, everything's faded and unclear. I've become such an easily moved girl, I don't want to go through all these anymore. If there's anything you taught me, love has to be gradually developed over time. It's a pity it can't be us anymore. I've had my weakest points of time lately, but I've grown stronger, so much stronger. If you can't be there when I need you the most, why do I still want you back anyway? 

There are people that I miss and old friends that I want to see again so badly. But I'm tired, really.  Have to arrange my schedule a little to give myself some personal time so I apologize for the summarized post. Exhausted, and I ought to head to bed soon. 

xoxo

日记簿（I）

因为喜欢上你而做的傻事，还不够多吗？

我玩出火了，一开始，游戏不是这么玩的。

他们说：“你真的，真的很不主动。”

对于喜欢的男生，我真的没有办法。

因为受伤了，所以从此以后，真的，真的，没有办法。

“借口”。

或许，我该做的，就是祝福。祝福我身边个个谈起恋爱的人，爱上对方的人，还有那些为了喜欢的人，勇敢追求爱情的女生。其实，我曾经也为了喜欢的人勇敢过。但这一切，都过去了。

不是不喜欢，不是故意推开对我好的人，不是习惯一个人孤单的日子。

但谁又能保证这一次，真的不会再受伤？

等头发长了，再喜欢上别人，好吗？ 现在的我真的很没有自信。。。

七月一日，星期天。再过一下子，就星期一了。

店里的人说，我们不再进货了。。。咖啡，也随着冷了。

微笑，好累。带了好久好久的面具，分手后，摘下了。

华语越来越不好，说几句，就说错了。

傻瓜，真的真的，好傻。

把身边的人推开，让自己一个人独自悲伤，这样子的你，真的快乐吗？

回到了初次见面的位子，脸上多了微笑，却不再是真实的自己。

违背了快乐的守则，守则第二原则：不要为了别人的幸福牺牲了自己的幸福。

沉默不语，安静又不安的我：

那个真实的我，曾经出现过，在你面前的那个女孩，曾经真实过。

“因为不想伤害你，所以他一直都没有说出口，他累了，不想再玩下去了。”

在他眼里的我，一定，一定很悲惨。我真的不想的。。。

好难过。明天的测验，赶快去读书吧。

I apologize that the post’s in Chinese though. You could read other posts too, bunnies. 
Love you and have a good day ahead, pastel colored tarts.

Xx. 

别哭，说好了，要勇敢的。