There was a look of pain in his eyes as he held onto her hand for the last time.
"Don't go," he pleaded. "stay with me."
Her heart, a blue-bass thud of a demon's breath, it paled.
"How can I..." she whispered, "when you're all I've to lose?"
In the waters, there isn't him, there isn't her; no them, nor the crowds and the half smirks that played, over and over again like a broken cassette in her mind. He had on the sweetest smile she'd ever seen. Yet all that was left were memories that bled into you, coloring you, destroying you.
"I'd drown."
And she let herself go. In the waters, she's invisible.
Coop: If you’re afraid of everyone leaving you, what do you do?
Ellie: Make them stay
- Coop: And if you can’t do that, or don’t know how to?
- Ellie: I don’t know
- Coop: You leave first, so you don’t have to watch them walk away.
- Jodi Picoult- Plain Truth
"As it turns out you can function when your heart is being torn to shreds. Blood pumps, breaths flow, neutrons fire. What goes missing is that affect; a curios flatness to voice and actions that, if noted, speak of a hole so deep inside there's no visible end to it."
Jodi Picoult - Perfect Match
They were having those usual conversations again, mother-daughter talk, but tonight, it was tinged with a little dash of grief and comprehension. Shouldn't love be a beautiful thing? So why does it hurt so badly?
"Cause that's not love, honey. He's not the right person yet. Your prince charming will whisk you off your feet, put butterflies in your stomach, makes you feel perfect and confident, and he'll never, never let you cry, even if he could. And when you do meet such a boy, please bring him home to me."
But mom, I'm 18, and I know that there's no prince charming in this world, not anymore.
"Do you see me and your dad, sweetheart? Do you think that's love?"
She pondered for a while, reminiscing their fights and squabbles, those petty arguments that almost tore the relationship apart, and how they always manage to patch things back, only to find themselves flirting and snatching the tv control, screaming at each other but always end up in sweet little hugs.
I don't know.
"That's love, baby, and when it happens on you, it's mutual. It's gonna hurt and sting for a while now, but one day, you'll meet your prince charming, and he'll protect you, and never let you get hurt."
"This boy... he's not the one, not yet."
The conversation ended; her heart a little heavier. If only she could say this to him and maybe, to try her luck, help him forget the girl, even if she can never forget the boy.
She finally mustered the courage to read what she's written, the post that led him to her. But the first three words read "I love him." and in that instance, her courage receded into space. Love scares her.
"She did a silly thing, oh, that silly little bunny. She waited for him and she asked about him. Those butterflies that she'd felt, it shouldn't be real."
There's firmness in her decision that she'd stay away from him before she sinks deeper in.
"Why won't you give yourself a chance, a shot at love again?"
Please do wait for my next blog post where there will, finally, be photos available. Thanks for reading.
xoxo
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