Discharged from Hospital

14 minutes before my laptop crashed on me. Enough time to pen some thoughts? 

Warded for four days and that was sufficient for me to have some personal thoughts.

I knew my health was outrageous, even now, 

my liver hasn’t fully recovered and there will still be repercussions in the future. 

Outpatient treatment on the coming Tuesday and I crave for interactions with loved ones. 

Sometimes, I really wish that people can love me and care for me, even when I’m healthy and glowing.

But in this time of crisis, I witnessed my family coming together. 

My daddy and mommy love me so much, my sister bathed me 

and I was finally discharged from hospital for chats with my only younger brother, 

and one of my favorite family members. 

My aunt was there, my uncle and my close friends too.

Nine injections. They hurt, of course they do. 

But either I’m brave or my tear glands didn’t manage to function. I actually never cried. 

But I’m afraid of the dark and on those nights when I was hospitalized with insomnia, 

I was really, really frightened.

I mentioned thoughts. Your name ran through my mind a million times. 

I know I’m supposed to stop talking about you, but I didn’t expect that it would. 

But I thought of another person. 

I wanted so badly to leave the hospital and say a simple word of ‘Hi’ to him, really. 

What about the conversation? Have you thought of it?  Honestly, no. 

I’m not so sure of my feelings for him. I like to see him.

You know those teenage girl crushes when the boys don’t actually know 

you secretly hold a torch for them? 

I like the way he makes me feel normal again.

Your face comes back to me in a fleeting memory. 

Loss of contact, not keeping updates and everything, I’m so happy to have forgotten, or so I thought. 

Until I had a terrible dream and in the dream you came to visit me, and you sat on my hospital bed and told the pale and ragged looking me that you’ll never leave me and I nod and we get together and everything is picture perfect. It scares me, so badly. I can’t afford to sink into yet another depressing state.

I’m not sure if I really do like this boy now. I’m afraid I’ll hurt him. I’m more afraid of getting hurt. 

I’m just happy to be able to see him often and maybe we’ll try talking like normal friends first. 

But this secret crush is gratifying; it’s interesting. 

It makes me curious and different, as though the past me is back.

I’m scared of everything and I want to cry. 

I’m happy I get to eat good food again and breathe the air outside of the hospitals and sleep on soft pillows. 

But my rashes haven’t fully subsided and even mild activity like walking short distances make me asthmatic.

I’m thankful for this life and my faith in God. 

It has failed to stay strong when I was ill and I need to strengthen it. 

I’m thankful to be loved and be able to love in return. 

Actually I do have many photos to blog about but I’ve been gone for a while, 

and I guess there’s a need to update this space about how I’m getting along. 

Till the next time.

Can I please get well soon and take some photos? 

Rain falls, and it smells like faith. I miss me, so much.