November 12, 2012
Dear Blog,
It's 2:01am on my laptop and I know that it's three minutes slower and seventeen minutes faster on my phone. I'm biting on a red apple as I'm typing and I coyly asked for a chilled green apple at work earlier but eventually refused the invitation. I've been listening to sad songs lately and people commented on my choice of music. I chanced upon a profile of some guy that looks like him and it's heart over mind again but eventually I stopped myself. Dear Blog, these days, I start to remember things again.
I hope I don't read this again some time in the future and feel sorry for myself. Don't get me wrong, I've been having happy days. The past two Fridays were horrid though: I vomited and the previous one, I was very late for a 10% test that I did study hard for.
It was vanity over food and I was wearing my favorite knit in coral. Bad things always happen on days when I am wearing my favorite outfit I hate it.
Dear Blog, look I've been typing like this ever since my book and I got inseparable. The novel goes by the name of The Perks of being a Wallflower. I'm halfway through my novel in just two days time but that's nothing to boast about since I've begun to read it on rides to school, buffer times during work; anytime, anywhere. I came across this term "a nice kind of quiet" and I bothered myself about it a lot. I tried beef again and by that I meant I ordered beef on my own and I actually do like it. I've always hated trying beef and that made me think of him again. I wonder what chocolate we had. I think sometimes I buy strawberry milk on purpose and strawberry lollipops on purpose but let's not go there now.
I saw my ex best friend again and it was bad. We used to spend all our time together but now I can't even bring myself to look at her face and it angers me thinking of her betrayal. I think she has grown into a filthy slut and I really do hate her very much now.
I get to see many kids at work too. I wonder if anyone actually dotes on me when I was little. I remember myself being the quiet sulking kid at every gathering. Or maybe I'm lovable and cute and I just can't remember a thing now. These days, I keep remembering things I don't wish to. The lady says she will head back to France in February and I feel so happy for her though I'll really miss her when the day comes. But she will finally be with her husband and her son and her mom and that makes me feel very happy for her.
Dear Blog, I wish I didn't know how much he loves her and that he can't move on; I wish my sister didn't use his perfume time and again without asking; I wish it didn't rain that morning; I wish I didn't have to go to work and could hide in my big yellow blanket and sleep till dawn. Maybe then I wouldn't have woken up in tears this morning and reminded myself how long he's gone and how far we've travelled away from each other and how I'm really doing fine
Dear Blog, I've been writing about a boy who matters to me and I even think I do have actual feelings for him. I guess when you really like someone, you allow him to hold your hand. I wish I could go to him like I always do but I can't. You don't know how bad it is to stay away but I have to. I think if I continue convincing myself that it's alright to not hang around this much, I could really feel that way. And I wish my flower boy is happy now that he has found her and I wish she never hurts him again. I wish he will never be sad because they make such a cute couple so please don't. I wish I could tell someone how much I really hate him raising his voice at me all the time, even when he promises not to do it again. I think I've begun to bear a grudge and it's making me angry all over again. I hope I can help relieve him of his heartache but every time I think of the way he raises his voice it makes me upset and I really don't know how to.
Dear Blog, I wonder why would anyone ever raise their voice at others when they've done absolutely nothing wrong. I thought that's the most horrid thing ever. I really do hate it. I hate people who do that. But it's peculiar too that I can't bring myself to hate him now that he's become an important element in my life too. I reckon he doesn't ever know and it's okay too, I won't want to tell him that verbally it's awkward.
Dear Blog, I wonder if it's normal penning this much, playing a sad song on an endless track and having tears scald the back of my eyes. I think I am really thrilled to be hosting an event and I really do mean every word of it. Recently, I came up with a conclusion that sad people are really just experiencing coerced amnesia, a term that I came up with and I hope it does sound sound. We make ourselves not remember things but little details could surface and everything comes back again and we fall apart and all these happiness we painstakingly built up comes crumbling down. I think I shouldn't continue going on about this topic; it makes me vulnerable.
Dear Blog, I actually signed off as Lady♥ it is so weird but I guess people will understand the moniker. I'm actually hoping that I do too. I'm happy that my school blog has so many views and that it's doing great now and I'm complimented for my effort so I reckon I should feel happy.
I think all these is enough for a night and I ought to head to bed.
The girl with the bunny pigtails ♥
