We had dinner together and I told her that I dreamt of him again.
“I’ve lost count of the number of days I’ve been away from him.”
“Don’t count.”
“But, I have to.”
“Does it make things any easier? Now, what? Do you want to go back to him?”
“No. But… I have to.”
The feeling’s back again. 77 days, and counting.
“We’ll end up together someday, maybe we will.” A smile plays on her face; we both know how ridiculous I sound.
“Do you think he’s met someone new?”
“Probably.”
“I guess so, too.”
Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Breaking Your Own Heart’ plays in the background, and it brought me back to the time I was drinking with the boys and those tears, they fell.
‘How’s he doing now?’ I thought to myself. Is he still hurting himself over that girl?
There’s an important test tomorrow, I shouldn’t be feeling this way.
“You’re such a sad soul.”
“Yes, but I’m happy in real life, and that's all that matters.”
Hide the pain from the world they say; hide it, hide it. Hide it well.
I’ll continue to be busy, but I’ll blog, no worries. Sometimes too regular, other times, a lack of updates. But I will, oh, I will. At least, this is where I find the real me.
20th May, 2012, 2:34 am. It’s one week since my last post, I’m really sorry.
21st May, 2012: 16:07pm. Fell asleep at 3 in the morning. Exhaustion got the better of me.
“She stood, staring at him, with all the strength that she could have mustered. Their eyes met, and her heart, cold as stone, softened a little. He was wearing the shirt of her last memory. She noticed the slightest details in his movements. He left, and she sat still, reminiscing those eyes, bringing her right back to last summer, where she last fell in love. ”
“She’s been going on and on about her deep adoration for her precious locks.
“Look,” they say, “she’ll never bear to snip them off. That Rapunzel of a girl.”
But off they went, and she lost her love.
As the hearts get lonelier, humans get colder.”
“I couldn’t have loved you any lesser,” she says. “I’ll never break the promises to you.”
“Can you be my ballerina?” he asked, “will you stay with me, as my ballerina?”
There was a momentary silence. The boy turned to leave.
“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
She’d whispered, but he’s already gone.
In her sleep, the memories returned, flashbacks of what could have been. She has forgotten, hasn't she?
Why haven't you gotten over it, oh, you pathetic little kitten.
"I want to live,” he said, “So I have to die."
– Jodi Picoult, Change of Heart
"I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
But look, they're pretty but I'm...I'm just me. You wouldn't choose me."
And that's the moment when, she decided, she'd keep her silence, for ever.
“Have you ever thought of it, of marrying? That one day you’d walk down the aisle with someone that’s not him, holding a regret close to your heart, that you’ll never, never forget him.”
And with that, she stared blankly ahead, posed with a question she’s unable to defend herself with.
“That won’t happen, would it?”
Black hair, Bangs, Really, really short hair now.
I haven't been updating for a while, I'm really sorry that I don't have the time to. I’m really just looking forward to the holidays and probably the last event that I’m having with my subsidiary committee members. Thanks for reading babyloves, I’ll do it up nicely when I’ve the time to spare. Please have beautiful days ahead.
Forgive me for using third person narratives in my post. I'm a timid bunny, after all, oh, those snippets of emotions.
I’m drained. Work ended, headed home for a hasty bath, settled down for a quick dinner and group mates asked of me to get on Skype for PR Discussion. Shoving the dishes down the sewers and chucking my trash carelessly, all the while distracted by my demanded physical presence. Thank god, I found time to blog again. I’ve to though, there are deep insights today I’d like to note down. One day when I’ve amnesia, please remind me, somebody, that I do have a blog.
Job’s great, what’s not to like, honestly? There’s Kinokuniya, nice fashion boutiques, a food outlet just next door and staffs who don’t care about sales. It wouldn’t be apt to say that I’m a wordsmith, but I do love books. I have a great passion for words, poetry, literature prose and practically everything that has to do with “A-Z”. I might be bad at many things: I can’t count, I have an almost zilch sense of eq, I can’t do science; people always assert that I’m nothing but an airhead bimbo.
Every time I enter a bookstore, I wish I could spend my entire life cooped inside with warm coffee and marshmallows dipped in chocolate, reading novel after novel, sieved into the beautiful stories that every capable author comes up with.
I had alone time to myself today, and that calmed me, a lot. I ate lunch alone and window-shopped at Bugis Streets after work, alone. Usually, the entire ‘loneliness’ affair scares me; after all, I’m really just a highly dependent kid. But I managed to, surprisingly, cleared my thoughts about things that I usually couldn’t ‘cause of the ruckus of the people around me. It was an emotional release.
In a jostling crowd with not one familiar face, I experienced the feeling of being ‘lost and to have disappeared’. I know, I’m an enigma and people use the word “mysterious” on me when they’re interested to decipher me as a person. I’ve been tied down by all these worldly demands, sometimes I wonder, for whom am I living for?
“How do you fall in love with someone you can’t feel beautiful with?”
I’m not merely talking about looks; it’s probably something that a little powder and a dash of blush could work magic on. To be beautiful is to feel irreplaceable, to feel in place with the person you envision a future with, to not constantly feel inferior and uptight; you don't have to be constantly afraid that one mistake might catapult into bigger, catastrophic events that will steal him away from you. To be beautiful is to feel loved by the person you love so deeply.
So, how then, do you call it love, when he can’t make you feel beautiful?
“How do you wake up every morning and tell yourself that maybe, this will be the day, you’ll meet into some mishap and lose your memory? How do you open your eyes to a new day, only to wish harm upon yourself?”
The pain in my heart area is back. I haven’t been drinking since, my birthday? Which was 2 weeks ago bitch heart. I can’t help the pressure alright, Please don’t amount to my medical condition ‘cause I really can’t afford to delay any datelines, miss any presentation, and what’s not. Let’s do this together heart.
“She’ll be a better girlfriend than I can. I’m not enough, I’m too broken to be offered to you.”
Typed this post when I’m so tired and sleepy but I’m so afraid I’d forget everything that’s meaningful to me when I awake in a while.
I’ve been really busy of late, and I’ll continue to be. Honestly, it’s a little demoralizing ‘cause I’ve temporarily lost my directions in life: Consulted with the IGP for ntu and nus, and fuck faith, I won’t be able to make it in with my current 3.5 gpa. I’m doing my best now, not knowing where I’m going to be 2 years from now; what I’m going to be, who am I. I’m so jealous of Year 1s and Year 2 students even, those of which have so much time on hand, and not being constantly plagued by project datelines, presentations and assignments.
This is the life of a Year 2 Projects-Based (Media & Communications) student. I’ve to ensure that I meet all datelines required of me so that I’d have a little time to blog about my feelings. I’m so deprived of a life to call my own ‘cause of school commitments, can I not be denied of this tiny piece of my life that belongs to me? Please, and thank you.
I’ve been so tired lately, power naps are inevitable. I fell asleep in class and my friends didn’t wake me up ‘cause “I look so tired and I’m sleeping so soundly. They can’t bear to.” That’s gonna be a first that I really fell into a deep slumber, unaware of my surroundings and happily falling asleep. I’m so tired lately, what even >:
Was I happier 2 years ago?
Oftentimes, I find that I come home everyday, to a house, not a home. My parents are always too busy for me. My mom’s my best friend, soul sister and biggest protector. My family’s not the kind who expresses our love and concern for one another explicitly, which in a sense, true. I’ve never said “I love you” to anyone in my life.
I do wish she could spend more time with me - doing simple things like cooking dinner
( I’ve been eating out for 2 weeks >: ), watching our dramas together, having our breakfasts together. I know it’s immature of me but mom, eating out for 2 weeks makes me feel DEEPLY UNLOVED, really ): Please dote on me more.
This is a cute little snugglebunny I found on tumblr :')
Nobody’s more important than my mommy, and I love her so. (Though I’ll never be able to say that to her in person uh!) Hope she has a wonderful mother’s day this Sunday.
Doing up this post in the wee hours 'cause I'll probably be busy once again, for all the tomorrows.
"It's funny how sometimes the people you'd take a bullet for, are the ones behind the trigger."
As a teenager, I never realized that the thing I was running from would still be here, waiting, no matter how far I am.
Mistakes are like the memories you hide in an attic: old love letters from relationships that tanked, photos of dead relatives, toys from a childhood you miss. Out of sight is out of mind, but somewhere deep inside you know they still exist. And you also know that you're avoiding them.
"Excerpt, Lone Wolf"
Had a good warm bath and a funny thought sprung to mind. What happens if my PR and Advertising tutors sat down for a talk?
Le PR Tutor: I’ve noticed that Chloe hasn’t been turning up for my classes. Has this been happening for others?
Le Advertising Tutor: Really? But she has attended every single one of my classes though.
Inserts thought: FULL OF WIN.
This I’ve to say, I specially make the effort to come for every Advertising class since its first lesson, seeing that my passion really lies in, yes, advertising. Come what may, I may break the trend. Who knows?
Tonight is one of those nights, when I feel so sad. There are tears welling in the back of my eyes and I’m just sitting here telling myself: No, one does not simply cry at 12 in the midnight for no good, concrete validated reason.
It’s a state of deranged stupidity when I tell myself, “If he were here, everything will be alright.” But no. We both know that he can’t make me feel better.
Sometimes, I really wish there’ll be somebody who truly cares and love me. Someone who will stay up all night listening in to my insecurities and tell me I’ll be okay as long as he’s around.
“It’s okay to be a little gullible, helpless and fearful of life, I’ll never, never leave.”
“But it’s like daggers cutting you, slicing you, tearing you apart, but why don’t you ever scream? Why don’t you ever ask for help?”
‘Cause I’ve tried, and I’ve been badly wounded. They take care of you for a while, and then, they leave. They left, forgot about you, abandoned you. Slowly, you have forgotten how pain feels like, ‘cause it’s already been a part of you. You forget how’s it like to not be vulnerable, to not cry, but your alcohol rush kicks in, you drop the facade, but nobody hears a thing. Everybody’s deaf in your world.”
I’m drawn to his grief, ‘cause he makes me feel like there’s an identical out there, someone who breaks evenly. Let’s not fall in love and please, can you stay in my life, so I know I don’t have to heal, ‘cause I won’t try to make you heal either.
We won’t fall in love baby.
Maybe I’ll say that to him someday.
It's 1 in the morning, I have a long day ahead, what's with yoga classes from 5-7. God, grant me the faith to survive a good, long day.
I’ve been whining about how much I harbor an intense abhorrence to have my photos taken by others (And by that, I mean using the back camera). I can fully understand group photos; I’m fine with that. But I really dislike having a camera shoved in my face, or not even a meter away from me, and that person expects me to happily oblige to photos. It makes me look really, really fat and disgusting on screen, can you not?
So yes, girls, front cameras are a blessing in our lives!
No, I didn’t photoshop my eyes in these photos, or the photos of late, ‘cause I’m lazy (lol wtf) but yes, it’s evident that my makeup is a little smudged and stuff, but the crux here is . . . WOW your eyes have become bigger. (But well, maybe some people think that my eyes are still small, so fuck you, whatever.) So yes, I’m going to tell you how they come about.
*MAKEUP + DOUBLE EYELID STICKERS*
I’ve always undermined the power of double eyelid stickers ‘cause I’ve no idea how to paste them on but le best friend persuaded me to try them and voila, it’s like free photoshop yay.
Paid for skincare products today ‘cause the promoter was really good at uhm … promoting. Apparently, this is the best-selling product in the shop and a top choice amongst Korean girls, so why not? I gave it a try. The original price is $46 but there’s a 20% discount now so I got it at $35.90 I think. I haven’t had a clue if it works, but if it does, girls, please try it out!
Ok, something funny that I’d like to share about. I walked past this shop called IdeasInc in JP today and went: “The bunnies are so cute! I’m going to ask my boyfriend to buy me one! Eh no, wait … I don’t have a boyfriend.” And miaosi was like: “WTF LOL! YOU REALLY FOREVERALONE ONE.”
Really ah, le #foreveralone T.T
So recently, I’ve been tempted to cut bangs ‘cause of a facebook photo dated 2 years back and people were saying that I look good in it. BUT FUCK NO, NO AH, NO. ME NO CUT BANGS.
Well, reason being, I’m already 18, and it's probably time for me to look mature, ‘cause I’m already so short and small and tiny and wtf midget, and I’LL LOOK GOOD IN CENTRE PARTING LA K, YOU PEOPLE, STOP DISTURBING, WAIT TILL MY FRINGE GROWS LONG.
Ok, enough rants for today. Pretty satisfied with this post ‘cause it isn’t bullshit like some I’ve posted previously, I actually have thoughts about what I want to write. So yes, k thanks bye.
Friday, 4 May 2012
"Save your heart for someone who leaves you breathless
And I know that you're scared
Seems like someone said you had it in you
All along you said you knew this was wrong but still worth dying for"
Day 60, Month 2: "I'll miss you for as long as my heart beats."
I hate it when people I know become people I knew. Why, disappear.
If only it would rain, forever. The cold and chilly weather calms my soul so well. There's still so much more that I'd love to pen down, but I'm lost in my train of thoughts.
"How do you look at the one you love and tell yourself it's time to walk away?"
